OK, stop laughing. Go with me here. Pretend Muslims are in high demand as dates for the school prom. Apparently, the author of this article thinks they are.
Muslim Matters Blogger Dr. O, a Muslim, says, amongst all of the wonderful things that most High School Seniors look forward to, there’s one event that every faithful Muslim brother and sister utterly dreads. Yes, my friends. I’m talking about the annual demonic festival of hormonally-repressed acne-faced youth who nefariously gather to revel in a night of fiendish debauchery in order to expend their youthful vigor in a druidic cabal of self-aggrandizement that irreversibly corrupts the faith of our community and decays the very moral fiber of our society. (No, female genital mutilation, forced child marriages, honor killings of women, and more, have pretty much decayed any moral fiber of Muslim society)
I actually was asked out to Prom by a girl in my AP Biology class, and boy oh boy was it an AWKWARD pretense for starting a da’wah conversation. The Senior Prom not exactly an ideal spot for a young and highly impressionable Muslim boy or girl, but just trust me when I say that for all of the temptations and nonsense that you have to resist in those High School hallways every day, Prom Night pretty much cranks the haram-o-meter up to level 10, and the after-prom parties crank up the haraminess rating to obscenely fitna-tastic levels. (But doesn’t come close to the obscenity levels of beheadings, stonings and hanging of homosexuals)
As this fiesta of foulness rapidly approaches at this time of the year and looms eerily over the susceptible heads of our young Muslim high school seniors, it’s best to equip yourself with the very best of da’wah-proven techniques and certified ẓabiḥah ḥalāl abilities to ward off the temptations of Prom, and to come up with the perfect escape responses to safely dodge Prom questions and reject prom advances.
Fortunately for you, I have just the guide to save your Senior year from ending in a blaze of regret!
PROM DATE REJECTION FOR BROTHERS (ragheads)
Yeah, I know that awkward feeling, brothers. Every other guy in the school is hooking up with girls for the Prom and you’re the sole dude in the class who isn’t part of the search team nor even remotely interested in anything going on. Been there, done that. But sooner or later they’re going to notice, and then it’ll be your moment of truth- will you stand your ground and do your part for da’wah and defend your chastity and honor as a Muslim man? Or will you try to sneakily find ways of coming up with compelling excuses and dodging their judgmental eyes with well-timed defense mechanisms? (How about, I can’t go to the prom because I am marrying my 9- year-old cousin that day?)
Here are a few suggestions:
1: STOP GROOMING YOUR FACIAL HAIR
The epic sunnah-style beard is a shining beacon of attractiveness that will no doubt entice many girls to ask you out to Prom. (Only if her name is Helen Keller) But here’s how to protect your beard from unwanted advances- just stop grooming it. Don’t cut it, shape it, wash it, or even touch it for 3 months, and watch as your face becomes a powerful infidel chick repellent!
2: STOP WEARING DEODORANT (Gee, we didn’t know you ever did)
This is by far the most effective technique of warding off girls from asking you out to the prom. Take your deodorant sprays and/or bars, and carefully toss them in the trash. Then, every day before school starts, go jogging for about an hour around the neighborhood, and work up a good sweat. Then head straight to school without changing clothes or showering. Your body odor will kick like Bruce Lee, and your stench will be more offensive than a Danish Cartoon. (It already is)
3. WEAR A FAKE WEDDING BAND AND PRETEND TO BE MARRIED
Girls will instantly be repelled by your fake married-status, and if they’re actually brave enough to ask you who you’re married to, just tell them she’s much prettier than they are, and they’ll get offended and walk off. Your fake imaginary wife (wives) will be so flattered you said that about her!
PROM DATE REJECTION FOR SISTERS (bagheads)
When the girls start figuring out you’re not going to Prom, and you’re not expressing any interest in prom dates or prom dresses, you’re gonna start to feel the pressure when they begin to cast their judgmental and condescending glares at you. That’s when it’s time to slam your foot down, straighten your ḥijāb, and tell them like it is!
1. WEAR A CONVINCING FAKE BEARD
Can you imagine how ridiculous you’d look wearing a ḥijāb and having a huge tuft of hair covering your lower face like a hairy niqāb? That’s hilarious (and nasty)- but honestly, this would probably be the most POWERFUL guy-repellent in the history of mankind. (No, the bag on the head is all the guy-repellent she needs)
2 PUT ON A SCARY NIQAB (full face veil)
Wearing niqāb already makes sisters look like awesome shuriken-wielding ninjas- but putting on the right niqāb style can transform even the most shy and tame ḥijābi sister into a scary horror-movie slasher that no high school guy in his right mind would have the courage to ask out to the Prom. (Of course, assuming a high school guy would want to take a baghead to the prom requires a willing suspension of disbelief)
3 BRING YOUR DAD TO SCHOOL
There’s only one thing that strikes more pure terror in the hearts of men than seeing a sister dressed up as a costumed horror-movie slasher- dealing with her angry dad. Want high school guys to leave you alone, or better yet, ANY guy to leave you alone? Bring your dad to school with you before Prom and watch in giddy glee as he scowls furiously with utter disgust and disdain at all of the poor, unsuspecting guys in your high school. (But tell him to leave the knives at home)
All in all, whether its a High School Prom, a Friday-night college party, or Happy Hour at your office, as respectable Muslim men and women, you need to avoid events and parties that you know for sure are going to be questionable environments that will tempt you towards that which is contrary to your faith and character.